The instructions on this may seem a little weird, but trust me hang in there and you will have a spotless kitchen and even some laundry done.
First step go to Kroger and buy a 15 pound turkey. Did you know they are on sale this week? Yep only cost about 4.50 for a Jenny O turkey. Don't have a kroger? Well just go buy a 15 pound Jenny O turkey ( It MUST be Jenny O).
Next step. Bag it twice and put it on the very top shelf of you fridge. You wouldn't want it to leak now would you?
So let it thaw for three or four days. Now the night before you are going to cook it, make sure you don't do the dishes. You want a sink full of dirty dishes.
Now wake up and find your lovely turkey has leaked through its packaging and two bags. Awesome! You rock Jenny O! I thought about writing you a letter, but I then thought "crap they would probably just give me a coupon for another free turkey". Really, I'll pass. So, I just cursed you in my head Jenny O.
Ok next step find a two year old. Not just any two year old, but one that really has an obsession with peanut butter. Now give him the whole container of peanut butter. Just to keep him quiet during your salmonella crisis. Don't have a two year old like that? Well you can borrow mine for this. After all it's for a good cause. You really deserve a clean kitchen.
Alright now back to the fridge. Go see that you organic strawberries and organic milk are bathing in pinkish fluid. Now go throw those away because you're a good mom and know that raw poultry and edible food don't mix.
Now clean that fridge with antibacterial soap. all while trying to avoid the sink full of dishes you have ready from last night. Which by now have the plaguing bacteria of the turkey on them. Now you have a clean fridge. Good for you! don't stop there.
Go clean out that turkey. In the mean time it WILL splatter on your clothes and the floor and just about everything else in a three feet radius. Now get some more antibacterial soap and about two rolls of paper towels (really I usually don't condone killing this many trees before breakfast, but sometimes you just have to). Clean the counters and floors. Don't change your clothes yet! You wouldn't want to dirty another outfit or maybe you do. You can go change your clothes if you want.
Now stop what you are doing. Your two year old is too quiet. Go see what's going on. You will find peanut butter in all your clean dishes that you didn't put away in the dish washer. You will also find peanut butter for the rest of the day in odd places. Be prepared.
So now season the turkey and throw that baby in the oven. Put away the few dishes that are still clean in the dishwasher. Wash the rest of the dishes. Then wipe down the counters, floors, and appliances about three more times. Just because turkey guts and juice scare you that much.
Now take off your bacteria laden clothes and do a load of laundry on high heat of course (this is not an environmentally friendly post. Sorry.)
Next go scrub yourself off before that bacteria is somehow absorbed into your skin and you are bed ridden for a week.
Finally go eat breakfast you deserve it! Enjoy your clean kitchen :)
Lessons learned: Turkey is made only on holidays for a reason and never give a two year old a whole jar of peanut butter. It's just a bad idea.
Hope your day started off better than mine